A letter to my husband
I meant every single vow on our marriage day, I will love you to the day I die but some days I could honestly press pause on our marriage.
A marriage with children is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Trying to be in a relationship and be a mother is one of life's most delicate balances. Jamie is working extremely long hours at the moment and so doesn't actually see the boys during the week ( to which I have jokingly said makes me a weekday single parent, however this is more truth than joke). Then at the weekends it is hard to balance the boys and us wanting to have some time together, often meaning that our marriage gets pushed to the side. To me our boys are growing up so quickly and with Jamie working so much and me working part time i don't want to sacrifice anymore time, I don't want to miss my babies growing up.
However this has lead to Jamie and I having a hard time of it lately. We often don't really talk anymore, and when we do it seems like small talk between friends rather than husband and wife, best friend to best friend, partner to partner. We talk about our days at work, the plans for the week, how the children have been etc, but we never seem to really talk anymore and this has been extremely hard to swallow.
I am the first to admit I am not great at being put to one side. I get bored easily and over think EVERYTHING! When Jamie has had a long day and wants to come home and relax, I am then thinking what have I done? Is it that my body hasn't bounced back (and when I say it hasn't I mean i am still struggling to look in the mirror most days especially with the stretch marks, post breastfeeding boobs, roots, and eye bags etc), is it that the house is a mess because simply keeping two children alive is hard enough let alone trying to hoover, or is it something else? I mean hoovering is pointless when the boys are awake, today I was hoovering one side of our living room whilst Ted and Jack were using a car to crush a bread stick and then sprinkle the crumbs into the toy boxes!
Tonight our friends are celebrating their 30th birthdays and I wanted to be able to go so badly! I wanted not only to be there for them but also to escape for a few hours. I dont say that to make it sound like being at home is prison, because I love my boys more than anything in the world, but doing it all alone during the week I just wanted a few hours off this weekend, but Ted has a nasty chest infection and so I couldn't bring myself to leave him. So, of course Jamie trots off instead, which I have to admit I found harder this time (now i'm not breastfeeding and can actually have a drink!). It would of been nice for me to go for once and him stay home with the kids. But i find myself trying to do what I can to make him happy because I have to admit I do push him to the side more than I should.
There have been nights where we have said we would do a romantic evening in (planned ahead of course which totally makes it so unromantic when you see it pop up in the calendar!), but we have both put a movie on, got the wine out and lit the candles and promptly fallen asleep on the sofa or had Jack appearing at the top of the stairs asking for juice, a wee, a racing car, in fact he asks for anything just to avoid sleep. All in all making it very hard to ever actually get time to be romantic with each other anymore.
Teddy is still in our bedroom which is not helping matters, and whilst the building work has started I think Jamie and me are both now at the point where we know it will be better once we have our own space but I am now nervous about this. I am trying to remember how to be a wife, a partner, a best friend and not just a mother. I love my husband but I honestly feel like we need to learn to fall in love properly again. I miss just getting a hug, is that really something so hard to ask for after keeping the boys alive and not burning the house down?
Adjusting is so hard. Many friends have had the same problems and so in that sense it makes it slightly easier, but I just wish there was some way of making it more simple. It seems crazy that we have to chose on days between our marriage and our babies. I just hope that Jamie knows how much I love him and that my only reason for putting the boys first is that I know deep down our marriage can survive anything but the thought of the boys missing out on their parents being around just isn't an option for me.
So I guess I need to stop thinking of it as marriage vs parenthood and more of us as a family vs the world ( and perhaps allow a little more time for date nights!)