I meant every single vow on our marriage day, I will love you to the day I die but some days I could honestly press pause on our marriage.
A marriage with children is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Trying to be in a relationship and be a mother is one of life's most delicate balances. Hubby is working extremely long hours at the moment and so doesn't actually see the boys during the week ( to which I have jokingly said makes me a weekday single parent). He is doing everything he can to provide for us and is working so hard we can't complain, its just that it is so hard trying to balance everything alone sometimes. At the weekends it is hard to balance the boys and us wanting to have some time together, often meaning our marriage gets pushed to the side. To me our boys are growing up so quickly and with Hubby working so much and me working part time I don't want to sacrifice anymore time. I don't want to miss my babies growing up.
However, this has led to hubby and me struggling to adjust to this balance. We often don't talk properly anymore, we sit staring at the tele whilst playing with phones. We talk about our days at work, the plans for the week, how the children have been etc, but we never seem to really talk anymore and this has been tough.
I am the first to admit I am not great at being put to one side. I get bored easily and over think EVERYTHING! When hubby has had a long day and wants to come home and relax by doing nothing, I am then thinking what have I done? Is it that my body hasn't bounced back (and when I say it hasn't I mean I am still struggling to look in the mirror most days, especially with the stretch marks, post breastfeeding deflated boobs, roots, and eye bags - to name a few!), it is that the house is a mess? I have simply given up tidying whilst the boys are awake as simply keeping two children alive is hard enough let alone trying to hoover. Today I was hoovering one side of our living room whilst Ted and Jack were using various toy cars to crush this poor bread stick to death, the taking its crumb remains and sprinkling them around in every toy box they could find!
Tonight our friends are celebrating their 30th Birthdays and I wanted to be able to go so badly! I wanted not only to go for them but to escape for a few hours. I don't say that to make it sound like being at home is a prison, because I love my boys more than anything in the world, but doing the routine alone during the week is draining and I just wanted a few hours off this weekend. However struggling to find some one to baby sit mixed with Ted having a chest infection left me not wanting to leave him. So off hubby went to be there for our friends, which I have to admit I found harder this time (now I'm not breastfeeding and can have a drink!). It would of been nice if hubby had stood his ground and told me not to worry he will look after the boys and that I should go out instead, but I guess this didn't cross his mind as he could just see me worrying about Ted.
There have been nights where we have said we would do a romantic evening in (planned ahead of course which totally makes it unromantic when you see it pop up in the calendar!), but we have both put a movie on, got the wine out and lit the candles all to promptly fall asleep on the sofa or be interrupted by Jack appearing at the top of the stairs asking for juice, a wee, a racing car, in fact he asks for anything just to avoid sleep. All in all making it very hard to ever actually get time to be romantic with each other anymore.
Teddy is still in our bedroom which is not helping matters, and whilst the building work has started (to go up in the loft) I think hubby and me are both now at the point where we know it will be better once we have our own space back but doesn't help in the mean time. I am trying to remember how to be a wife, a partner, a best friend and not just a mother. I love my hubby but feel we need more time together to appreciate how much we love each other. I miss just getting a hug. I mean after a day of keeping the boys alive and not burning the house down I think a hug is the least I deserve.
Adjusting is so hard. Many of our friends have had the same problems and so in a sense it makes it slightly easier, but I just wish there was some way of making it more simple. It seems crazy that we have to chose on days between our marriage and our babies. I just hope that hubby knows how much I love him and that my only reason for putting the boys first is that I know deep down our marriage can survive anything, but the thought of the boys missing out on their parents being around just isn't an option for me.
So I guess I need to stop thinking of it as marriage vs parenthood and more of us as a family vs the world! (And perhaps allow a little more time for date nights!)