In a couple weeks, I shall be returning to work.. That is right, I shall be leaving my Maisie Moo. Maisie will be just over 9 months and going to an All Greek Nursery full time, while I return to IQ Option to begin a normal life again.
I don’t quite know how am I feeling at the moment.
Leaving Maisie with strangers is a new thing for me. We have only ever let our family babysit, and since this nursery was highly recommended by most of the British people who live in our area plus on the base we decided to go with this one. However, only one member speaks English.. what if there is an emergency? I know I am being paranoid, they run a nursery! They have seen it all before but I am nervous not being in charge of my child and that also scares me.
I think every parent feels this way because we don’t know how our child is going to react in a new surrounding, with new children she has never met before. Maisie is having a couple tester days of course, but what if that goes badly? That would scare me massively to then put her full time for me to start work. I am still learning so much about Maisie and her development myself, am I putting her into nursery to early? That is when the guilt starts creeping in.
Should I feel guilty having decided to go back to work and leave Maisie? Should I feel guilty for wanting to go back to work and have adult conversations and trying to build up my social life again? I don’t want to leave my daughter at all. I love her so much, it hurts leaving her for a night with her grandparents. How can I want to leave her adorable face and let her go to nursery to enjoy time without me? I then feel excitement because I know she will begin to have a good time for nursery and her development will grow healthier being around other children.
Maisie has always been great around new people, and loves being the centre of attention. When I brought her into the nursery the first time just so I could have a look around and get to know the staff, they took her off me and introduced her to all the children which she was absolutely fine about. Maisie sat down and crawled around with the other children and hardly cared that I was still there. I am excited to see this next progression in her life, and excited to go back to work because I have always been a career woman and I want Maisie to hopefully look up to me in an inspirational way. I then feel sadness that our journey is coming to an end.
This emotion is a little confusing because of course her daddy is just as important as I am but it has been me and her since day 1. I have been with her every day and every night at home, feeding her, changing her, night time shifts, entertaining her, trying to educate her, her first word was Mum… I mean I feel like she is so dependent on me and I then am throwing away this bond by wanting to go back to work. Am I breaking the amazing relationship we have together by being selfish?
Returning to work means we can afford more luxuries for Maisie, more holidays for Maisie, our wedding, maybe more children in the future as well which would be great for Maisie as well. Going back to work is a benefit for me and my family so why do I have this horrible cloud over my head of feeling selfish? In the world we live in today, not many women are able to stay at home with their children until they come of adult age, but god I am jealous of them.
I am going to be jealous of Matt who will get to spend all morning with her before he takes her to nursery. I am going to be jealous of the ladies looking after Maisie all day until I pick her up from nursery. I am going to be jealous of the children that get to play with her all day. However, in a positive way it will be healthy for both of us. I need to get back into a routine for myself and not live around Maisie as much. Maisie will always be the number one in my life, but going back to work will help me remember that I am here too.
I will love the fact that Maisie will make friends and be sociable. I will love the fact that she is growing and building up her personality. I will love being able to learn something new at work everyday and getting out of the house a bit more. I will love a bit more of social life with Matt as well, as being in the house most days, there isn’t much for me to talk about. I will love doing what I think is best for my child and help provide for her so she can have the best life we can give.
It will be a big challenge for me but hopefully I will get into the swing of things quickly. Wish me luck on her Tester Days next week! I will probably be sitting in my car outside crying, stuffing my face with chocolate and hating every minute of it.